Wench Warfare and all that is Dirty

Going to let out a little steam.. OK.. maybe a little whine.

So I am sitting here, I've just come back from the room opposite and my ears are ringing and my brain working over time from the lecture I was given by my mother. Several issues were covered but one I wish to vent about is the issue of her wanting to move.

We came here from Portugal, 9 years ago, and have lived in this house since then. Now, she has wanted to move for a long time but she never did because when she wanted to it was always half way through our education. She has decided again she really will move, and is awaiting a reply from the council (or whatever) whether they will offer her some money to help her move there. She says she will move before I start college. Again its interfering with my education (and also my 2 other siblings education) and this time she doesn't care, she says "oh you'll just have to transfer to a college there and you'll find new friends"..

No.

It's not as simple as that, it's not only that. I don't want to move because I love this place. I can't make friends with the snap of my fingers. I don't want to leave my education, this house, my teachers, my best friend.. just everything I hold dearly is here.. and what I hold most dear is a little farther but he is close none the less.

She wants to move 100 miles from here and I just.. no.. don't want to.. I'm not going to. A house will be at least £600 for 4/5 bedrooms and my mum is £80,000 in debt! She doesn't even earn £600 in 3 months! Neither of my parents work, they can't afford it. They'd have to stop paying back all the banks and starve us if they want to stay in a house all the way down in Southend.

I have made the final decision that I will not move. I'll find somewhere to live, maybe stay at my best friends for a while.. I don't know really..

I lost my family and my childhood friends, everything I held dear to come to England, and I'M NOT doing that again.

End of whine.

So hi livejournal.. its been a while eh?

According to this I have not posted anything in 18 weeks. Personal record.

I'm going to make this very quick since I don't have much to say. I finished my first year of college in July and should be going back soon actually (September). Next week I am going to college to pick up my end of year exam results. Hopefully I did as good as I felt I did.
My health isn't so good at this moment. I have a very badly swollen gum at the back of my mouth and it's killing me. It's very difficult to chew. Today I go to inspect my gum and find that the tooth its swollen up near appears to be rotten. Argh what luck! I don't want to lose a tooth! I think it's a wise tooth as well so that means it won't grow back. Ugh. I want to have ALL my teeth thank you. I brush them twice a day.
Apart from that I feel good.
My love life is wonderful. I repeat, WONDERFUL. I have the greatest boyfriend and that's all I really asked for.

I said I'd be quick, toodles!

It really does. I am single once again since Monday. Wasn't working for him because of the distance.
*sigh*
Ever since then things have gone wrong for me. Keeps getting worse
Probably me being spaced out, utterly torn to bits..
Meh!
I really, really like him. It's the end of the world as we know it (not really but seems like it).

If anyone ever so dares post either:
- You are young
- Plenty more fish in the sea
- It's probably for the best
- You'll find someone else
- Tell me to be positive (which I cannot do at the moment, or for a while)
.. or anything similar I will spoon out your eyes



[/life sucks over]

On other news it seems I am getting a new computer for my birthday. Hoorah for that. About time. I've been working with a computer that has 200MB of RAM. How did I manage?
 

I was bored and I thought I might aswell post on here since I haven't for 8 weeks it seems.
A while ago (precisely on the 8th March AND 15th) I met someone I have been talking to online for 3 years. I can hear someone going, "Oh my god you met someone off the internet! *gasp*"
Pfft yeah yeah.
Do you know, it was my first ever date too!
He turned out to be.. so much more amazing than I thought. When you talk to someone through a screen you try to build a picture of them and their personality, it's not likely you will ever meet them so you do. I did, I thought he was absolutely fantastic. And then I meet him and he's not fantastic anymore; he's a GOD.
The morning of the 8th I get on a train and endure a very long 1 hour 40 minute journey. All the way there I get more nervous and anxious at each stop the train took. I thought I had to run to the toilets to throw up. Ergh. So I finally arrive there, and make my way slowly (and my stomach doing flips at this moment) towards the entrance of the train station. I search for him in the freezing cold and I spot him leaning agaisnt the wall. That was where my heart skipped a few beats. I was really shy throughout the day but eased up a bit, he's a comfortable guy to be around with. I got to know the real him, and it felt wonderful. I was esctatic. This was not a computer screen. We were actually there talking to each other in flesh and blood. I could see him breathing, how warm he was.. and eeee!
After that we definately wanted to see each other again and we did and it was even more amazing then.

The down side to those 2 glorious days were that I had to lie to my mum. I told her I went with a friend (no male mentioned) but I can't tell her just yet and I mean, me and him have only met twice (3 times this Saturday). I'm worried that we won't last. The distance bothers him much more than it bothers me. We can only see each other once a week and we'd like it to be more but we live too far apart. Well on the bright side, at least we don't live countries apart. 
Aah then there is the age issue too. Once again, he's greatly bothered, I however, am not. No he's not 30, married and with kids lol.

I miss him every single day. I miss his funny walk, his forever cold hands, the way he hugs me..

I thought I would never experience it badly but it's really getting to me. This monster growling, feeding at my insides and burning me everytime he mentions her name. (not going to name any names)
I tell myself every single time that everytime he says her name, it will hurt less and less. No point really, I'm lying to myself. It's not getting less, it's getting worse.
I know he loved her once (maybe even still does), I know she'll always have a place in his heart, I know if he sees her he'll want her back...
I wish I was her; or someone, who he could love and adore as much as he did her.
Bleh lucky girl.
I sometimes feel like a sex object to him - something along those lines. Often I feel like he really does want me like I do him.
I'm not a person of many words.

I was all alone in the darkroom today printing some photos I had recently took. I could hear the rain outside hammering away at the windows; the smell of the chemicals in the room were lovely to my nose and the darkness was familiar and friendly. While I was printing away I thought to myself how good it was to be alone in that sort of quietness. I thought also on how much spend time I spend on my own and it's a lot. I'm always at home, on here, doing this, that or the other and I don't really go out unless it's for college, an emergency, or I'm dragged out by people. Hermit is what I am. I don't care so much, I enjoy being inside more than anything; then at other times I do complain that I wanna go out.
I just wasn't ever the person to go out. Then my thoughts were interrupted when I swear as I spilled developer all over my top. That's gonna stain white.

So that's really what I have been contemplating today. Boring as per usual.

It seems like years ever since I posted here.
It's now 2008. So, a new year and no new year resolutions; I doubt I'd keep any of them or I'd pass myself impossible ones such as giving up on biting my nails. I don't get very excited with new years, you are just getting older. That's how I see it. Though I did stand on a chair and hold a glass of champagne as a Portuguese tradition goes - just for fun.

My social life has developed no further than that I can now easily talk to anyone in my class and I have now memorised their names. That's a BIG achievement, even for me; I'm useless with names. I'm not so shy around people anymore so another big step forward for Maria Lima.
I'm going to be doing a photoshoot on Tuesday, I'm so excited; I feel professional already. I went around asking girls from my class to be my models, and most agreed. My teacher, Steve, asked me if I wanted to do nudes; I just stared back at him and walked off. He got the idea haha. Meaning I wasn't planning on doing nudes, but it seems the rest of the guys in the class did. Typical.

There's someone at the moment, who I am head over heels with - I've known the guy for 3 years; I have liked him him since and it was up till a few months ago that my feelings started getting stronger. I really mean STRONG. He makes me blush all the time, he gives me a permenant smile and redness. He just knows how to make me happy and that's just maybe what made this empty hole in my chest - not having someone making me happy. Some way or another I was always unhappy, about whatever it was and he just lights up my day. Everyday. I miss him when we stop talking, I think about him everyday..
He makes my heart race and it's all simply wonderful. It elates me and I feel that I could just float into the sky.

I get very moody. My emotions are constantly down and it sucks. My house also gets very cold and I have to walk around looking like an eskimo. Then come the colds, the frigging colds that interrupt my sleep and make me sound like a constipated granny.

Oh look at that, 3 weeks! Would you believe that I have nothing to say as usual lol. Everything has been fine you could say. Been having those random ahces all over my body as usual, it's my neck this time.

Toodles!

Today I am going to fill this with mushy mush, lovely, lovey dovey mush. I want to get married; people who know me would be going "Ha! Really? What's happened to the Maria I know?" because I've always said I didn't want to get married or have kids.
That all has changed.. because I am in love and it does funny things to your head. It mashes up your brain, you can't tell right from left, your stomach does flips and turns, then butterflies fly around. Then there's little hearts floating above your head.
I've been in love for a very long time, it's never hit me as hard as this. I'm not going to let anyone ruin this. It's my happiness, my guy and I'm going to fight till those pests leave us well enough alone.

Love love love *floats in the clouds

I lack words for this everytime. Nothing "exciting" has been going on. The usual, going to college, coming home, doing work bla bla etc.
My boyfriend threw hell about a week or 2 ago. I had my new guy friend over, I told him, and oh he didn't like it one bit. He kept coming out with the most stupidest, ridiculus ideas ever. Saying I was going to cheat on him and leave him bleh. I wanted to strangle him till he pleaded me to stop. I seriously don't know who the hell he thought he was talking to, a whore or HIS girlfriend. I'm not going to stop being friends with Eddy because 1. He's a guy and 2. My boyfriend doesn't like it. Jealousy, that's all it was. Things were really odd after that; he said he was going to end his life because of Eddy. I was baffled, worried and I just don't know what other words I can use to describe it. To sum it up it was one hell of an over reaction.
Anyway.. I am still friends with Eddy and my boyfriend is still alive, I can't say he is well but he's breathing.

It's been yet another 2 weeks. lol.

Today I sat next to this guy in my English class; we were put into pairs and me and him were laughing, pointing out all things to do with sex that were in the novel we were reading. I had heaps of fun, we were whispering to each other while everyone was quietly working. Haha.
Things have been OK I suppose. Not bad, not brilliant but in between. I have been given work to do already - I shall hopefully not let it pile up.

At the moment I have this horrible itch in my eye, its been there the whole bloody day. I've itched it so much its gone really sore.

God once again I have nothing to say. Two weeks, two god damn weeks and barely anything to say. That's just fantastic.

*handles a warm cup of hot chocolate*

I have been having trouble with my boyfriend, well had. It was all one big, sloppy, icky mess. Sorted out now. I am just frightened he is going
to do it again, as it always was and maybe, will ever be. And then people are asking "If it is that way, then why don't you end it with him forever?" it is easier said than done. I do not ever want to let go, I love him so much despite the fact that he has hurt me so many times.


UPDATE 18:02
Bah I jinxed myself. He's doing it again. I wanna strangle him and cry at the same time.

Wow I haven't updated this in 2 weeks. Time flys by pretty fast.
Not much has been happening. I have started college and it's been okay so far. I haven't been picked on and such. Biology gives you a lot of notes to take down, my brain is not a sponge.
I haven't made any new friends as expected, well it;s only been 1/2 weeks into college. But loads of people have already made new friends. I need to change my anti-socialising life. But.. I can't be arsed, I have much more important things in my head than to be making friends.

Tomorrow I am off to the clinic to see my counsellor for the very first time. About time.. thought they'd forgotten about me.
It's been 2 weeks and this is all I have to say. Hah. I can never manage to write a journal long enough. Maybe I am scared to say anything else. Who reads this anyway?

 I said so it was the calm before the storm, the wind is picking up again - it's going to be a bumpy ride. I could go on and on about my problems but I am talking to a wall here, mostly myself. Anyone who comes across this will just think I'm any odd teenager with problems.
I've been trying to convince myself that my boyfriend and my best friend are perfect for each other. I don't understand why I'm doing this.

I was having the best day of my life, and then my boyfriend went and ruined it. No worries, no worries I am used to it. So I had my biology entry test today and I could have had it for breakfast. It was the easiest thing ever. I was done in 20 minutes. Maybe less..

I have nothing to update on I guess. College seems to start on the 10th for me.. lucky. I have started writing now, I have so so many poems. I am so proud and glad to have it all back.

I've been wearing out my fingers. I have written so much poetry yesterday and today, I can still write many more. The writer's block finally lifted and I'm just letting it all out. Mostly all poems I've made are for contests, gets me going and thinking.

I have to go into college on Wednesday pretty early, something about completing my enrollment.

Today I have yet another headache, this will never end. I think my friend has fallen out with me and blocked me on MSN. Yesterday I had a go at him since me having headaches bothers him so much (he just signed in, so ok he hasn't blocked me). It's not my fault I've been having loads of headaches.. meh. He's always ever so sarcastic whenever he asks me how I am and I tell him I have one.

I've been studying for my entry test, whenever that is, college has failed to give me an exact date. I've been doing a section per day, that way I'm not packing too much into my head. I panicked quite a lot today, I looked in the mirror and upon close inspection I noticed a small, what looks like a scar near my mouth. I am a bit vain I must admit and was horrified to find it there. I have no idea what it is and how it got there - I can't remember that part of my face. I'm not worried about it anymore, if it's there then it's there.

Time is passing by so slowly, it's making me weary. Waiting.. waiting..

Not that I want to complain, but, I have a massavie headache which will soon turn into a migrane. Migranes are horrible, I'm one of those lucky ones that don't get too sick with them. I'm currently sitting in my pjamas with goosebumps all over my legs and arms - it's cold, I can't be arsed to get something warm to put on.

I have some studying to do; I really don't want to BUT I have to. Otherwise I shall never get that place in biology. I've been lacking determination and creativity lately.. it's all gone and leaked somewhere. I have always been a person who never ever lacks creativity and imagination and somehow, it's all gone. It's not there anymore. Should I panic? I think so. I need my own little world back!
Life has been rather still for me, it used to be one thing after another but now it's ever so calm. I can't be too happy about it, it's the "calm before the storm". Any day now something nasty is going to eat at my life.

I am in a joly good mood today. That is very rare trust me. Most of the time I'm not even near okay.

Bah I still have nothing to say. I'm searching for a job and getting nowhere with that. My boyfriend says he might be moving to Trent University, if he gets accepted. He best bloody be. That means he will be closer to me!! Yay!!

Other than that, that's about it!

^_______^

I'm getting eyebags, I'm getting eyebags. I'm 16 for God's sake.. I don't wanna have horrid eyebags when I'm older **stares at the mirror**
I need to sleep -.-